Monster in the Mailbox

The term “monster” has many definitions. For the purpose of this story, it will be defined as “anything unnatural or monstrous.” Everyone has different opinions; therefore, I expect everyone to define “monsters” by different criteria. A monster to me may only qualify as a puppy, rainbow or butterfly in your book, and vice versa. That’s the great thing about everyone having their own opinion…that just means the world is chock full of monsters and beauty, depending on the eye of the beholder. And so it begins…

Anyone who has visited, or lived in, a tropical location, has most likely come across those small-large sized, semi-cute, 4 legged, tailed creatures. Joe would call them pets. Others may agree. Bugs most definitely call them predator. I, however, firmly believe they are (mildly cute) tiny monsters.

There are two reasons I firmly believe lizards are worthy of the term “monsters”. For one, they are lightning fast (as are turtles, which I also fear). Have you ever tried to catch one? Those little suckers can move like a fugitive running from Dog and Beth….fast and reckless! The second reason I think it’s appropriate to deem them as monsters is because there is one in particular that has taken up residence in our mailbox. Ipso-facto = “anything unnatural or monstrous”. Umm, call me crazy, but a wild, fast moving, climbs on anything and everything, animal living my mailbox is exactly that. Unnatural.

The first time I ran into my little mailbox monster, it was a complete surprise. I’m fairly certain the neighbors must’ve thought that the dodgy ice-cream truck driver pulled over and flashed me his man bits or something, by the way I shrieked and freaked out. It was mildly ridiculous – my arms were flailing, the lioness’s mane that is my hair was blowing around, forcing the long curls into my eyes, which sucked because it made me for frightened that the mailbox monster would jump onto me and I wouldn’t know it due to the temporary blindness from curls in my eyes! It wasn’t a pretty sight. There was a freight train of cusses, which came steaming out of my mouth that resembled the following: “f&ck! Holy sh!t! You little turd! Sneaky @sshole, living in MY mailbox!” Stupid lizard.

The second time I saw this rascal of a reptile, I was almost as surprised as the first time. Almost. As I reached my hand into the mailbox, which is a seemingly innocent act, I noticed the dark flash that is the monster living in my mailbox. I saw his long tail disappear from the bottom of the mailbox and instantly got the “holy crap, where did he go?!” feeling. Alas, there really wasn’t anything for me to worry about as he escaped out the emergency hatch, also known as the hole in the bottom of the mailbox. Sneaky, right?

Now, I’m used to seeing little lizards here and there. It’s Hawaii. I would be silly to think they weren’t around. They’re always around our door, and on occasion, one finds its way inside and climbs the screen door. I will admit the lizard is kind of cute. He was teeny tiny and non-threatening in any way. The beast who resides in the mailbox, however, is not so cute. He’s large, and dark colored, and I imagine he waits for the day when he can bite me for intruding into his home on a daily basis.
This horrifying lizard has caused such fear and anxiety that I dread going to the mailbox. If I get home and it’s dusk…forget it. The mail stays in the mailbox for the night. There is no freakin’ way I am risking one of my precious digits for a magazine or piece of junk mail. Not going to happen. I’m can only imagine this makes the monster living in there happy. I bet he knows the anxiety he causes me. I bet he senses it, like a dog. The only time I can comfortably get the mail is if the conditions are just right. And what might those be, you wonder? 1. Sunlight/daytime. 2. Approach the mailbox carefully 3. Smack the mailbox door down with whatever object I brought outside with me, in case I need to defend myself against and attack by the beast that is lurking in the depths of the darkness inside the mailbox. He is like a ninja, all stealth like and just waiting to make his attack. I’m on to the lizard’s way, though. I will not be fooled by his seemingly harmless existence.

There are two things I know for sure that make me feel better about this whole situation. I hold onto these two truths like a monkey holding onto a banana. The first is that this lizard will not live forever. Eventually, he will die, as all living things do. It’s my hope that he hasn’t married the lizard down the fence and started up a baby lizard factory in the mailbox. That would push me over the edge. And finally, the second truth…the one I firmly believe in that relieves me of all anxiety I feel when seeing the USPS truck pull up in front of our house…in just a few more short weeks, Joe should be home and then he can be the one to wrangle with the monster that lives in our mailbox.